Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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