I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize