there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
