I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
