You're so nebulous sometimes
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
