I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
