just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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