She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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