i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
