apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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