What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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