Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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