i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize