Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
