everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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