She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
