Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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