sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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