we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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