She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
