i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize