I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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