My friends, they love my intelligence
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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