Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
