i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Randomize
