you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
