you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
