$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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