Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
