There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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