i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
