I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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