Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
