Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Found the puke drawer
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize