my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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