i jhust puked up my retainher.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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