Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
