I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So apparently I’m into choking now
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