My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
