i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
