I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
