My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
