he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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