Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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