my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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