I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
