So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
