Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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