can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
