I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
