im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I would ride that face into the sunset
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