i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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