Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
