they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize