So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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