I cannot find my penis.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
