Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
