We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
