a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize