One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
